When It’s Good To Hate? [Pt. 1]

Hate: (n) a feeling of dislike so strong that it demands action*

Hate. It’s an emotionally charged word. It gets attention. It creates buzz. 

Personalities such as Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh are accused of stoking hate against their philosophical opponents-like Democrats Nancy Pelosi, Barney Frank, and President Barack Obama. Meanwhile, these political elites accuse their Republican opponents and fans of these political opinion jockeys of being racists, hate-mongers, and authoritarians. Be it debates on health care, the economy, the war effort in Afghanistan, abortion, the mortgage meltdown, or climate change, there’s always someone or something to hate.

But is all hate bad? Can the emotion ever be useful?

My dad never let me use the word hate. He said it sounded too violent. But it was often the only accurate description of how I felt. Part of me understood, but another part of me rebelled. I always felt that avoiding the emotion was impossible, but ignoring it was dangerous. 

Although it is not politically correct to say so, hate is not without it’s uses. We can all feel hate. Even in the good, productive, and meaningful aspects of life, there’s frequently a level of frustration that overwhelms us when we are faced with trying to achieve certain goals—like getting in shape, making the grade, or straightening out our finances. When placed in a specific context it can be quite effective, maybe even productive. At least that’s what I say, and, ironically, I’m getting a lot of people mad for saying it.

Hate is inevitable. In the more important areas of our lives–in the things closest to our hearts that matter most–there is a thin line between love and hate. For example, we all know people who were once the best of friends that have now become bitter enemies.

How does that happen?

The problem is, many people haven’t learned to navigate this potent emotion. Too often people get stuck on that thin line between love and hate and don’t know what to do. Or don’t want to do what needs to be done. Frustrations build and people often let things simmer, until they’ve boiled over into bitter anger. This turns the heart cold and closed. There’s no peace, no clarity, and no contentment. But it doesn’t have to be like that.

I believe we can learn to use hate to propel us forward toward personal growth and momentum. It can be a signal that something needs to change. Before it becomes bitter anger, this angst-ridden frustration can be quite an effective indicator and motivator.

What do I mean? What are some key areas in my life that I use the appearance of this potent emotion to help me move forward?

MARRIAGE:

I’ve been married to Lisa since 1999. We spent the first 2 years fighting. We didn’t know much about developing a healthy marriage. We both came from divorced homes and blended families. Our examples confused us at best. But we knew one thing: we wanted to stay married. So we had to learn some healthy habits. We had to learn to turn our anger around. 

One thing we started doing regularly was “couch time.” I know it sounds goofy, but it helps. When our day ends, we sit down and talk about what went on. We share what is bothering us, both in our relationship and outside our relationship. And then we brainstorm on how to change those things. 

For example, my wife doesn’t quite appreciate the quality of humor that is hidden beneath my sarcasm. In fact, she hates it (by the way guys, most girls do). So within the context of our marriage, I try curb it so as not to hurt her and damage our relationship. Important relationship-building information comes out during these times. It diffuses the tension and brings us closer to each other. Healthy communication does that. 

There are many other things we do, like date night, but you get the idea. When we sense that angst-ridden frustration, we work at it and resolve it–before it takes over our marriage.

*WordNet® Princeton University lexical database for the English language

[ClICK HERE for Pt. 2]

*Here’s brief video I did to help explain this idea: