caught somewhere between real life, simple faith, & raw emotion
QUESTION: What is true forgiveness?
You’ve heard it before. I’m sure someone has said it to you. And if you’ve been told it enough times, it’s probably kind of annoying:
Forgive and forget…
I hate that. What the heck does that mean? Usually, people say it who have a habit of hurting people or making people mad, and they don’t want to deal with the unhealthy behavior or actions that strains their relationships. They don’t want to change, so they say this and put all their garbage on you. They make you carry the weight of their destructive cycle through the use of guilt.
I find it to be a kind of relational blackmail.
I’ve been writing down thoughts for my next book. One of those that always gets me is the idea of forgiveness. In fact, I wrestle with it in my first book as well. Forgiveness is critical to Christianity. It’s what Jesus was all about. I’m just trying to chew on this idea from a different angle:
Forgive but DON’T forget.
You can’t forget. That’s impossible.
When you try to hold to a “forgive and forget” idea of forgiveness, you create an expectation that can’t be met. So you end up carrying this burden around that can’t me bet. Eventually you’ll feel guilty for not being able to forget and think you haven’t forgiven.
I’m not saying to hold on to things. That’s very unhealthy, and it’s the opposite of forgiveness. I’m saying forgiveness is a process.
True forgiveness, or reconciliation (really the Biblical model of forgiveness), is a two-way process. It involves someone asking for forgiveness and someone granting it. That is complete forgiveness because it closes the circle, so to speak.
Now I admit, this won’t always be possible. Sometimes you will grant forgiveness even though you haven’t been asked. Sometimes you will ask and not be granted forgiveness. The important thing to do is to be responsible with your part in reconciliation.
When you “forgive and forget” you never do the important part of dealing with the pain, facing it, and repairing the damage to the relationship that has happened. When you “forgive but don’t forget” you rebuild relationships and make them better, rather than perpetuate unhealthy cycles.
Don’t you? If you think I’m wrong, please forgive me.
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Well, barring the 18th century cultural feuds, I am speaking of a relational context. And as I said, I don’t mean hold on to things and constantly bring them up. I simple mean it is important to admit worn and take responsibility. That heals as well.
Thanks man! Always good stuff.
This puts me in mind of the Peace of WestPhailia that ended onbe of the great cycles of religious warfare a few centuries back.
There were several notable aspects to the peace agreement, which halped lay the basis for national sovereignty in modern international law.
But for our purposes here, the point I’d like to highlight is where the combatants agreed that the grievances of each party toward the others should be AS THOUGH THEY HAD NEVER HAPPENED.
Sounds like forgetting was the better part of forgiving, for them. And you can see why. If they did not start from a clean slate, somebody would always have come along to “wave the bloody shirt” and continue the war cycle for another generation.