This is what happened a couple years ago on Christmas morning. Gotta love it!
It’s Christmas time. So I was wondering what people who don’t believe in anything do during this season, since I wish everyone the best. Sure, they enjoy the merriment and paid vacations and food and gifts that is all the result of those of us celebrating the birth of Jesus through the ages. But that last part is, well, stupid. Right? Just ignore that.
Okay, okay. Maybe stupid is too harsh a word for this friendly time of year. If you believe that Jesus thing, then you’re just mislead and naive. See how Christmasy and friendly I feel?
In any event, I started thinking what atheists sing this time of year. So I looked for an atheist Christmas carol. Believe it or not, they exist. There are mostly mocking ones, but there are a few serious ones. I want to highlight both here.
First, the serious.
Much has been made of Vienna Teng’s The Atheist Christmas Carol. Now let’s ignore the fact that the word christ is in the very title. She sings very beautifully, for sure. And after listening to her beautiful song I decided to look deeper. And I found the lyrics, well, somewhat lacking in meaning.
That is not meant to be cliche or hyperbole. I am a writer, but I am a lyricist by nature first and foremost. The message was, in fact, fairly empty.
Pretty. But empty.
I suppose that is the challenge–writing something deep and meaningful about…nothing.
Here are the lyrics. See what you think.
It’s the season of grace coming out of the void
Where a man is saved by a voice in the distance
It’s the season of possible miracle cures
Where hope is currency and death is not the last unknown
Where time begins to fade
And age is welcome home
It’s the season of eyes meeting over the noise
And holding fast with sharp realization
It’s the season of cold making warmth a divine intervention
You are safe here you know now
Don’t forget, don’t forget
I love, I love, I love you
Don’t forget, don’t forget
I love, I love, I love you
It’s the season of scars and of wounds in the heart
Of feeling the full weight of our burdens
It’s the season of bowing our heads in the wind
And knowing we are not alone in fear, not alone in the dark
Don’t forget, don’t forget
I love, I love, I love you
Don’t forget, don’t forget
I love, I love, I love you
Next, I move on the a mocking Christmas carol. But let’s be kind. Let’s just call it humorous.
This one has no title. But it won an atheist Christmas carols contest over here. I think it’s very funny. And please stay for my comment at the end. Here are the lyrics.
*To the tune of “The 12 Days of Christmas”*
On the first day a big mess exploded loud and free – remember the Big Bang Theory.
On the second day the suns and the planets came to be. No lifeforms yet,
but remember the Big Bang Theory.
On the third day volcanoes erupted ceaselessly. ‘Twas pretty hot, no lifeforms yet, but remember the Big Bang Theory.
On the fourth day the landmasses grew above the sea. No God involved, still pretty hot, no lifeforms yet, but remember the Big Bang Theory.
On the fifth day the first cells swam around with glee. Naaaature is hot! No God involved, weather now fine, lifeforms are there, but remember the Big Bang Theory.
On the sixth day there’s backbones and eyes for all to see. Pretty cool stuff, Naaature is hot! No God involved, weather now fine, lifeforms are glad, but remember the Big Bang Theory.
On the seventh day some lifeforms came ashore to pee. They had legs a-running, pretty cool stuff, Naaature is hot! No God involved, weather now fine, lifeforms are glad, but remember the Big Bang Theory.
On the eight day the lizards ruled the land and sea. Introduce extinction, legs a-running no help, pretty cool stuff, Naaature is hot! No God involved, weather rather cold, lifeforms are few, but remember the Big Bang Theory.
On the ninth day some pre-apes decided to stand free. Soon they were dancing, around camp fires, with legs a-running, pretty cool stuff, Naaature is hot! No God involved, weather still cold, lifeforms have fun, but remember the Big Bang Theory.
On the tenth day the first priest invented idiocy. Gods everywhere now, they want us dancing, with legs a-hurting, oh, what a shame – aaall without proof! Gods getting pop’lar, weather now warm, lifeforms do pray, no one knows the Big Bang Theory.
On the eleventh day the churches controlled the minds unfree. Just one God, which one is right, they want crusaders, with swords a-slinging, oh, what a shame – aaall without proof! Monotheism, weather quite dark, lifeforms do pray, no one knows the Big Bang Theory.
On the twelfth day the clever ones finally broke free! No more Gods, but atheism, science is right, tell the believers: “No swords a-slinging, no holy war, Naaature is hot! Weather is sunny, lifeforms shall think and we all love the Big Bang Theoryyyyyy!”
So there it is. The Big Bang Theory. It’s all built on that. The only ‘reasonable’ thing to ask is, how do you get something from nothing?
And atheists think they don’t have faith…
Fa la la, la la la, la la la!
Well, ladies and gentlemen, may I suggest the Jesus toaster? With each piece of toast it burns an image of Jesus or the Virgin Mary into the face of the toast (see picture) for only $39.95.
Perhaps you have some very religious friends. Perhaps you are very religious yourself. Or maybe you are an atheist and just want to mock your neighbor or relative at the most wonderful time of the year. Then the Jesus Toaster is the perfect gift!
So get your God on and buy the Jesus Toaster from Burnt Impressions. Operators are standing by…
And yes, this is real.
The is the cutest mosh pit EVAR! Watch these kids sing the Ramones Judy Is A Punk–it will make your weekend. Enjoy!
I don’t even know what to say about this. It is one of the strangest things I have ever seen. I think he is preaching, yo. You will watch in amazement. Enjoy!
*This is a tongue-in-cheek article I wrote and like to repost every year. It is inspired my my book 10 Things I Hate About Christianity and hopefully I will add some levity and focus to this time of year.
The holidays are upon us. I’ve been through enough of them now to know come January 1st I will have a list of things swimming around in my mind. And it’s not a “resolution” kind of list. It’s a “Where did all the fun that I was supposed to have go this holiday?” kind of list. It’s a “I have bunch of regrets mixed in with my fond memories” kind of list.
To preempt the regrets in order to create a reservoir of overwhelmingly positive memories, I have decided to make a list of all the things I hate about the holidays to bring out what is (or should be) most important to me. And I think we can all see ourselves somewhere in this list. So I hope it helps with your holiday celebration whatever it may be—Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Ramadan, or Festivus (for the rest of us). Plus, I hope it might add a little levity and bring some focus to this busy time. Sometimes it helps to have a sense of humor.
10. Decorating. I hate all the time it takes to decorate. Now, let me be clear, I love decorations and things being decorated. I just don’t like doing it! The untangling of lights, finding hooks for each ornament, finding the one bulb in a string of 50 that is keeping the whole string dead, and pretending like I am having so much fun for the kids sake is all very frustrating. A few years ago, we even resorted to having an artificial Christmas tree. As much as I hate it and vowed to NEVER sink to such a low, it’s so much better (and easier)— less mess, less money, no maintenance. I even keep it stored, fully assembled in the basement. So I literally have the tree up in ten minutes when it’s time to get started. We also light a pine tree scented candle so our visitors think it’s real. But the kids like all the hoopla and that’s enough for me. Plus, I do love putting the train around the tree. That’s pretty awesome, although our 9 month old seems to be deathly afraid of it. Not sure what to do about that one.
9. Shopping. UGH! I’m not a good gift giver or receiver. My wife, Lisa, does the shopping for the gifts for the kids. That is VERY good! I do love that. Sure, we talk about what to get, but she does all the work in the end. The problem is, I always wait until the last minute when shopping for her. Yes, I know it’s a man-cliché. It’s just how it happens. Thank God stores are open Christmas Eve! For me, there is nothing worse than going to the mall during the holidays. You just can’t get everything on-line. Some people get recharged emotionally shopping at the mall (like my wife). I just get suicidal. I’m also not good at telling others what I want. That doesn’t make it easy for others to shop for me. It’s not that I don’t want stuff. I just hate telling people what I want. Plus, everything has a dollar value to me nowadays, so I think about how much we’re spending constantly. Besides, I like life simple. I like relaxing, going to the movies, and eating. It’s not like you can put a rib-eye in the stocking, right? Plus, the things I really do want are just too much money (a remodeled house, new truck, 1,000,000 copies of my book to be sold etc. are some things that come to mind). I even had someone email me their total after Christmas shopping. It was $666.66. They had to tell me. Hilarious! That’ll make you think your Christmas shopping isn’t quite right.
8. Fighting. Don’t lie, we all have several snippy moments during the most wonderful time of the year. And yes, some of us even argue. We might even yell at the kids a little. It’s hard, stressful, and tense trying to have so much fun and make something so special. We want it all to be so perfect and that can set us off quite easily. Tempers flare during what is supposed to be a very satisfying and relaxing season with the family. You may also be tense from the traveling to visit family. Now throw all the other things on my list in and you have a recipe for disaster.
7. Fat. Not you, but me. We all gain a little around the holidays and it’s not usually character, patience, or anything useful like that. It’s weight. Overeat? That doesn’t mean anything to me this time of year. Full? What does that have to do with anything? Eating is a state-of-mind for me. You have to be disciplined and really apply yourself if you want to do it properly. Portion and rationing are the smart thing to do. But since when is smart fun when it comes to food? Turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, honey-baked ham, rib-roast, sweet potatoes, apple pie. Yes please! Anyone hungry yet?
6. Montezuma’s Revenge. If you don’t get that reference, it doesn’t mean you won’t get it from eating so much food. Tums and Pepto-Bismal will help. That’s right, I said it. Fried this and saturated that starts to catch up. For me, there’s no way around it because I refuse to eat responsibly during the holidays. That just wouldn’t be any fun now would it! As a matter of fact, I am a handyman by day and I’ve even put Tums in the first-aid kit for just such an emergency.
5. Holiday Blues. I hate the fact that the holiday mindset doesn’t set in until it is all nearly over. I think if I could take off work from Halloween until News Years Day, it might get me in the right holiday mindset sooner and keep me there longer. Sounds good, right? You’d have time to get the stressful ‘to-do’ items done, relax, and know there is even enough time to recoup. But mostly we’re working and shopping right until the last minute, so the holiday feeling doesn’t set in because we haven’t been still or relaxed enough to ‘detox’ from the regular routine of life. I usually hit the ground running during holidays. What’s worse is, once I realize the relaxing euphoria has finally set in, it is followed by the thought that the holiday season will be over in a day or two.
4. Political Correctness. This is a relatively recent development. Over the past five or so years there have been some ridiculous things happening surrounding the holidays. From public school teachers being threatened with formal reprimands for saying Merry Christmas, to Christmas trees being removed from public grounds because they have a religious meaning. And if the trees aren’t removed, they are simply called ‘Holiday Trees’ in order to be more inclusive. The funny thing is, Christmas trees are actually a pagan practice that Christians adopted. That’s the problem with political correctness gone wild. You forget who you are and what it’s really about. So Happy Ramanahanakwanzmas? NO! Merry Christmas! I wish you all the best. But that’s how we role around here.
3. Spenders Remorse. In order for it to feel like a holiday, I spend freely. This is because in our everyday lives we have to be budget conscious. I hate the feeling like I am spending too much, but at the same time, I ignore it so it will still feel like a holiday. This only compounds the issue. We always go over budget. Not sure how not to do that one.
2. Santa. I don’t hate Santa, but hate the issue of Santa within our family. Why? Because most of us who’ve grown-up in America were told there’s Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, God, and Jesus. We teach kids they’re all real, but they’re not all real. Eventually our kids will be okay with Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy being cute little white lies, while accepting Jesus and God as completely legit—right? Not really. At least I don’t think so, and it’s something I talk about in my book 10 Things I Hate About Christianity: Working Through the Frustrations of Faith. This is something that my wife and I have spoken about in depth. Will we tell our kids about Santa? Will Santa be the one who gives them their gifts? It’s funny how many atheists(and some agnostics) have railed me over the years for teaching my kids about Jesus and God—something that can’t be proven. You know, they want to wait to introduce ideas of faith and religion when their kids are old enough to decide for themselves. Sounds so intellectual and enlightened, right? But these people have had no problem telling their kids about a fat guy sliding down the chimney with a sack full of gifts and eating the cookies and milk, his elves, flying reindeer, and somehow doing this at midnight in every home all around the world. What’s with that? Do I have a problem with the story of Santa? Not at all. We’re not Grinches. We tell our kids the story of the real Saint Nicholas. But we’ve decided that’s where it stops. Sorry Santa. No cookies for you at the Berggren home.
1. Forgetting. I suppose #2 really leads to this one. I don’t know what it is all about for you (the holidays, that is). But for me it’s supposed to be about the birth of Jesus— you know, the most influential person in history. I hate that all of the above stuff on my list tends to get in the way of what these times are supposed to be about. I have to tell myself more than once during the holidays, “It’s all about Jesus, stupid!” I don’t want to forget to remember what my priorities are supposed to be. Whatever you believe in, I hope you’ll add value to yourself and those around you by relaxing, spending time with loved ones, and celebrating. That’s the #1 thing. It’s what the holidays are supposed to be all about. And I love that.
It’s a holiday week so posting will be lite and fluffy. So here is a crazy camp meeting preacher. If you’re not sure what a ‘camp meeting’ is, it’s like a business conference. But instead of learning skills to improve service, production, goods, or management and leadership, you get filled with the Holy Ghost—HALLELUJAH! Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but sometimes people take it to seemingly fearful extremes. Like this guy, especially his screaming like a little girl. Have a Holy Ghost filled daYAH!
This one is classic. Was this what he was thinking look out into the crowd? Poor guy. Happy Weekend!
This is NOT the way to give people an opportunity to follow God.
Ummm…all I can say is yikes! What the heck is going on here? Have a Holy Ghost Revival Filled weekend!
Here is another edition of crazy preaching. Gotta love those street preachers. I’ve seen my share over the years. Happy Friday!
Today is a little political. Here’s a golden oldie that seems to apply perfectly to our political climate today.
This is a clip from the old show All In The Family starring Corral O’Connor. He played the legendary role Archie Bunker. My dad used to love this show and I can remember watching it as a kid. Looking back, it was hilarious. Archie Bunker is known for being a bigot. But there were also nuggets–like this commentary on politics.
Here is an awesome clip from the classic movie Fletch Lives. In it he imitates one of those tv evangelists. This was back when Chevy Chase was in his prime. Hilarious stuff! Enjoy!
This might be a bit irreverent. Okay, it’s VERY irreverent. But man is it funny!
When I became a Christian back in the late 80’s these guys on TBN always made me a little suspicious. Something just didn’t seem authentic about it all: the hair, their tactics, the theology. So this video, makes be laugh big time. Perhaps it rubs my passive aggressive nerve just right. Plus, it’s 100% pure potty humor! I now present the Farting Pastor:
This is one of the strangest things I have ever seen a church service do. And if you’ve read my book, then you know I’ve seen some strange things. WARNING: I cannot vouch for any of the other videos this youtube channel has if you decide to click through. Enjoy!
Yes, you read that right. This is one of the most bizarre things I have ever seen. Hear is a guy preaching with a gangsta lean–and lots of cuss words. Watch, marvel, wince…but be warned. This may not be safe to watch at work. Time for a fantastic voyage, homies!
Happy Friday! And now for your viewing pleasure…um, well, I don’t even know how to describe this:
It starst to get annoying, so what do you do? Do you: 1) ignore it 2) ask him to stop or 3) report his yodeling to the authorities.
In the world of the strange, you report him to the authorities. That’s what happened in the country of Austria:
An Austrian court has recently fined a citizen for yodeling while mowing his lawn, according to a report in The Kronen Zeitung newspaper. The citizen, 63-year-old Helmut G., was told by the court that his yodeling offended his next-door Muslim neighbors, who accused him of tryingto mock and imitate the call of the Muezzin…Unfortunately for Helmut G., his neighbors were in the middle of a prayer when he started to yodel. The Kronen Zeitung reported that he was fined 800 Euros after judges ruled that he could have tried to offend his neighbors and ridicule their belief. Helmut G. clarified that “It was not my intention to imitate or insult them. I simply started to yodel a few tunes because I was in such a good mood.”
This seems ridiculous. But I suppose in a world where diversity and political correctness reigns supreme, we must be sure no one is offended or has their feelings hurt.
In any event, my neighbors dogs always seem to be barking when we go to bed. I wonder if I should call the police.
Have a YO-DE-LE-HE-HOO of a day!
Okay, this was a heavy weekend. I was going to post something serious and thoughtful, but it just seemed wrong. Instead, it’s times for something humorous, strange, and uncomfortable. So please enjoy this young kid preaching like a pentecostal. And have a great week!
Been busy with visiting family this week so I haven’t had much time to blog. But I can’t forget to give a laugh for the weekend. Last week I posted the Screaming Pastor. Today, here is a crazy preaching lady who LOVES Spiritual Enemas. Enjoy!